Queer As Folk, episode 5:13 - Airdate 8/7/05

Lindsay and Melanie flee for freedom, Ted rekindles an old flame, Brian grows a heart, Emmett charms, Michael and Ben adopt, Deb dishes, Justin rides off into the sunset…and FADE TO BLACK. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Change is Good
This show, like a bad virus, has run its course. Thankfully it's out of our system and we'll never again have to bear witness to poorly delivered, negative, stereo-typical lines like "put on your sexiest club clothes and bring plenty of drugs."

Burrito
Over the years we've watched these 2-dimensional characters love, lie, laugh, cry, fight and fuck. We've seen them overcome drug addiction, infidelity, hate crimes and bomb shrapnel. Now let's wrap it all up in a convenient to-go package and push our chairs away from the table. I don't know about you, but I've had my fill.

QAF PSA
One last lesson for the uneducated masses: People are like snowflakes; special and unique. Being different is what makes us all the same… it makes us family (cough, choke, sputter, gag).

You Can't Stop the Beat
Although my personal distaste for the "simple" kept me from basking in the afterglow of each preachy episode, I understand the mission of QAF and respect the impact it has made in the television industry and in households across the country. Hopefully many were touched by the sermons, but it's my theory that if the viewers had the stomach to sit though show after show of bad gay porn, they didn't need the lessons about hate crimes, gay rights and acceptance because they could tolerate just about anything.

There is a universal message for all of you gays out there though. It's that everyone grows up and the "good old days" inevitably get replaced with commitment and responsibility. Friends scatter and jobs change, but under the glow of the club lights and the thump of the music your youth comes back in a flash and for a few moments makes you feel alive again.

As long as you stay connected to the people who touch your hearts - the ones you laugh and live with through the good and the bad - the carnival will continue. So enjoy the ride, hold on with both hands and never let go.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:12 - Airdate 7/31/05

Brian and Michael kiss and make up, Drew hits puberty, Ted snags a leech and (thankfully) there's only one more episode left to go. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

What a Feeling
It's a good thing Lindsay and Melanie decided not to move to Canada because Jennifer Beals is already in Vancouver and cornered the market on the Flashdance sweatshirt. And maybe I was comatose from the boredom, but I could have sworn I heard Mel request the arsenic that I've been trying to force-feed her for weeks.

Mad Hot Ballroom
Jennifer danced a jig to celebrate the fact that her son is marrying the town tramp.

Gag Reflex
Hooray for Ted. He actually found someone more needy, smothering and insecure than himself.

Ward
After years of disinterest, Brian wants to play a role in his son's life. He is the reason 9 out of 10 lesbians choose anonymous sperm donors.

QAF PSA
Don't take tips from straight, white republicans on waiting for the winds to change or the tides to turn.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:11 - Airdate 7/24/05

Brian gets domestic, Michel recovers, Dopey returns, lessons are learned and the countdown begins. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Memorial
This time Lindsay and Melanie are not squealing about the death of their relationship, they're upset about the passing of their nanny, Dusty. Apparently she's out to pasture or off to the glue factory.

Dopey
Hunter ran away to the "happiest place on earth" in an effort to get away from the turmoil and tragedy at home.

Knuckle Sandwich
Ben turned out to be quite the fighter, now if only he could beat Michael like that…

Shell-shocked
Whether you swallow your problems with a vanilla pudding chaser or have seedy sex as penance, you must come to terms with the bombing of gay bars in your own special way.

Bridezilla
Brian's cancer must have traveled from his testicles to his pituitary gland because he's delirious. Unless he bought that country house in Belgium, Spain, Canada or the Netherlands, there's no way he's getting married to Justin. He can throw the party but he can't change the law.

QAF PSA
Our White House allows those who used to hate us behind our backs to now hate us to our faces. And although we must fight for freedom, our weapons should be reason and compassion… unless of course you're in the mood for a good fistfight.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:10 - Airdate 7/17/05

The writers write trite, Cyndi Lauper sings for her supper, Brian goes soft and Babylon blows. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Goodbye to You
Lindsay and Melanie continue to tap dance around their feelings for one another. If you ask me, Melanie is a bit self-righteous for a gal who had an affair and then convinced her partner to have a threesome with one of her exes. But I feel for her, I wouldn't want to sleep with Lindsay either.

Three Little Birds
Since Ted is a bit of a mockingbird, it's only fitting that he date a cuckoo.

You're My Best Friend
As a gesture of goodwill; Brian lends Michael Babylon for the Stop Prop 14 fundraiser. Like a moth to a flame, the sniveling crybaby and the maniacal egomaniac are drawn to each other until death do they part. Let's hope a funeral is pending.

No More Words
Now I'm convinced that plagiaristic writers of this show ran out of ideas. Why else would they rely on a September 11th-like reenactment to generate sympathy for the pitiful characters they've created?

It's the End of the World as We Know it
Brian tells Justin he loves him, the girls comfort each other, Emmett and Drew embrace and Ted is thankful to be alive. It's a shame that it takes a trauma to make people realize how precious life and love really are.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:09 - Airdate 7/10/05

Michel plays hardball, Drew comes out, Justin has an Oedipus moment, Ted misses the cut and Mel searches for Lindsay's inner piece. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Mr. Moms
Even though the thought of whiny Michael and self-righteous Ben sends me running for the Pepto, I admire the way they traded in the days of looking for the next best thing for making the best of what they have at home. That being said, I give them 4 months.

Mrs. Robinson
Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks Justin's mom is hot. Too bad she opted for the girly-man instead of the manly-girl. Regardless, I'm glad she finally got a storyline and is irritating her son, who's only upset because his momma bagged a hotter guy than he did.

Tuna Casserole
Who knew Brian ate fish. It's going to take more than a few tokes with Debbie to give him the courage to face himself. And sorry does seem to be the hardest word.

Hebrew National
Ted should start sitting shivah now because his love life is dead.

Deja vu
Didn't we already see that violent lesbian sex scene on the L Word? I know it's the last season of this ultra-ridiculous show, and it must be difficult to come up with new ideas for the robotic Wonderbra Twins but surely the writers can do better than second-rate plagiarism. And for the record, Lindsay should have punctured Mel's artery with a shard of that depression glass for jamming her hand in the cookie jar. Play nice girls… play nice.

QAF PSA
This week's lesson: Make out at work. Ok, maybe it was come out at work. But frankly, if you're 40 before you actually do it, no one's going to give a shit because they've already figured it out.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:08 - Airdate 7/03/05

Brian tries to get HIV, Justin gets arrested, Melanie makes out and Emmett gets a blast from the past. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Cry Baby
Brian claims his inability to love was caused by his mother's frigidness and his father's hatefulness. Is his shrink Brenda Chenowith-Fisher by any chance?

Hey Jealousy
Melanie got caught in a lip lock, which caused Lindsay to see green. It's true, you don't want something until you know someone else wants it more.

Hot Momma
Forget about those daddy troubles, Justin's mom has got it going on. Maybe Lindsay can hook up with her and get a few hair care tips in the process.

Touchdown
Drew got caught with his pants down and came running back to Emmett. I hope this fairy's tale ends happily.

QAF PSA
This week's lesson: Don't support businesses that don't support you. Hmmm… now where have I heard that before?

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:07 - Airdate 6/26/05

Brian plays hide-and-seek, Justin says goodbye, Lindsay goes home, Emmett goes glam, Ted serves up revenge and this show almost develops a plot. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Elsie
Ted is lucky to be having sex with anyone, let alone a hot, young stud. Why wouldn't he milk it for as long as he could?

Freeloader
The last thing Ben and Michael needed was another brooding hustler in their house, so Justin went in search of his own place. We all know he got some points on the back end in Hollywood, so why is he buying a crack den?

Labefaction
Hardcore Melanie is starting to soften and invited Lindsay in for a grilled cheese sandwich and some tea. How sweet. Let's just hope that she laced them with arsenic.

QAF PSA
This week's lesson: vote for your rights. Wait a minute; maybe it was don't grow old. I'm not really sure.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:06 - Airdate 6/19/05

Ted chooses sex instead of revenge, Emmett gives a brief report, Deb ditches unemployment, Hunter comes down with a case of sibling rivalry and Brian gets stiffed. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Move Over Bacon
There's something leaner running around town and it's pushing Brian over the edge. Someone actually passed on the syphilis-ridden lad, can you imagine?

Lesson
Ok kids, this week's QAF PSA teaches us that it's time Americans saw gays as full sexual beings instead of eunuchs and clowns. This is either a way of justifying the overripe orgy storylines or a slam at Carson Kressley. You be the judge.

BFM
Deb's not the only one bored out of her fucking mind. Viewers are dropping from this show faster than shit from a salmonella victim.

Lesborama-drama
Nothing new to report on the unhappy home front. Melanie and Lindsay should skateboard over to the L Word where they can learn how to be real TV lesbians.

Ward and June
Michael and Ben won't be winning the "Parents of the Year Award" anytime soon. Hunter needs a good beating and some rules, not fifty bucks and an open door policy.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:05 - Airdate 6/12/05

Loretta tries to flip Deb, Michael and Ben deliver a PSA, Melanie becomes Old Mother Hubbard, Ted goes butch, Justin plays house and Brian gets a prick. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Six Degrees of Syphilis
It was only a matter of time before Brian's nasty habit turned into a nasty infection, but you gotta give the guy props for wearing his cankers like a badge of honor.

Bye-Bye Miss American Pye
Instead of parking her U-Haul at Deb's, Loretta headed out in search of her pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Childhood Games
Red Rover, Red Rover, send baby right over… Mel and Michael passed JR back and forth like a hot potato, but Lindsay wised up, gave the screaming Mimi back to her mama, and said wee-wee-wee all the way home.

Tedsbian
The swan went a little too far with the plastic surgery and was mistaken for a chick. Someone should stick a fork in that goose; he's cooked.

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Queer As Folk, episode 5:04 - Airdate 6/05/05

Melanie and Lindsay face an unpleasant reality, everything comes up Rosie for Deb, Hunter pulls a Greg Louganis, Ted considers an extreme makeover and Brian proves he's in need of a personality transplant. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Three's a Crowd
Three-ways are really not that much fun in sex or custody battles. You try to meet everyone's needs, but someone is always left out in the cold.

Magical Thinking
Is what the stylist for this show is doing if he thinks that the Clorox look is in. Lindsay, Ted and Justin are beginning to resemble those incestuous kids from Flowers in the Attic and need a little sun, some Vitamin E and a glass of holy water.

Legacy
Imitation is the best form of flattery, but if Deb keeps saving Loretta's ass, Loretta is going to start wanting hers.

Aquaman
Brian may be a shark in the boardroom and a piranha in the bedroom, but when it comes to making friends he's simply a minnow.

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The boys are still fucking, the girls are still fighting and Michael is still whining. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Gays are no different than people when it comes to relationships. We can build them up and tear them down just as good as the straights. Let's hope that whoever gains custody of those kids doesn't let them grow up to be as spoiled and annoying as Michael.

Parties, Poppers and Penises
Just another night at Babylon and even the fags are beginning to find it revolting…until they're told they can no longer have it.

Would You Like Pye With That?
There's something about the smell of cinnamon buns that turns people on. You're baking with the girls when suddenly you go from licking the spoons to licking each other. Any way you slice it, Loretta Pye serves up a heaping plate of comedy at the Liberty Diner.

Debbie's Done
Deb found a man to take care of her and is giving up her role as a caretaker for others. I hope this storyline is almost over because it's getting as old as Ted.

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Sunshine gets burned in LA, Brian buys a new toy, Ted holds on to both his youth and 50 extra lbs, Emmett's queer eye focuses in on a new career, Michael and Ben nest and Lindsay finally admits that she's flown the coop. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/queer/home.do for more details.

Rage
Just when the MRI looked clear, Justin's head wound is back and bigger than ever. Not only are the comic strip voiceovers reminiscent of Jenny's slice of crazy on the L Word, it once again gives us insight into the messed up mind of a prepubescent adolescent who refuses to grow up and become a productive member of the human race.

Botox
Ted's not the only one with a death grip on his youth. Brian's nursing a serious case of the "big fish in a little pond" syndrome. He's a talented guy; imagine what he could do if he ventured more than 100 feet from Liberty Avenue and realized he didn't have to surround himself with twinkies to feel superior. The people in his life are growing and changing, and unfortunately he's still stuck in the back room of Babylon.

Who Shot J.R?
My bad. She'll be the one wielding a gun when she's old enough to realize she has to choose between lesbian mothers with $8 haircuts and zero fashion sense or sniveling, gay fathers and a tricked-out adopted brother. I'm guessing she'll be the next tenant living with Debbie, the cop and their 4-dozen owl statuettes.

Stepford Fags
Thank god for Gays. We're single-handedly responsible for the real estate revolution. Who else but DINKs could afford (or want) to renovate a 22-room mansion in a crack-ridden neighborhood? I don't know about you, but I'd take a prostitute or drug dealer as my next-door neighbor over a Born Again straight couple with 2.5 kids and a chocolate lab any day of the week. They're more interesting, don't give a shit about you and have a flair for the dramatic. Come on people; let's give credit where credit is due.

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