The L Word

L is for landslide. As in, the nosedive this show has taken since we were first introduced to group of strong, funny, witty L.A. lesbians. In case you’ve missed it, they’re now either straight, miserable, forlorn or dead.

For those of you still mourning the death of Dana (Erin Daniels), you’ll be happy to know that she’s alive —and straight— on network TV. Daniels has reportedly signed on to play the lead role in a new pilot for Fox called Julie Reno, Bounty Hunter.

As if Dana’s tragic death and network TV rebirth aren’t enough, word on the street is that luscious Latina Carmen (Sarah Shahi) will not be returning for a fourth season of the once-groundbreaking show. Shahi too, has been cast in a straight role on a new Fox show titled, Damages, as well as in a role on the NBC comedy, Teachers.

Meanwhile back on the hell-word, Jenny ’s (Mia Kirshner) new friend Claude (Elodie Bouchez) is slated to become a regular cast member when the show resumes next year. I don’t know about you, but I’m not really consoled. Have you seen her teeth? And, I need a Jenny doppelganger like I need another hole in the head.

Love it or hate it, there’s nothing quite like the L Word on television today, so it will keep reeling in viewers no matter how bad the producers and writers fuck it up.

Let’s hope that season four finds the girls making their way back up the hill they've tumbled down. Even though they are the most maladjusted, unhappy bunch of lesbians ever created, at least they were created. Not to mention, they’re pretty easy on the eyes. Well, most of them anyway.

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The L Word, episode 3:12 "Lefthand of the Goddess"
- Airdate 3/27/06

Alice and Lara chart new territory, Shane learns that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Carmen gets a dose of reality, Helena’s generosity knows no bounds, Bette and Tina battle over Angelica, Jenny makes a new friend and, thankfully, this season comes to an end. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Bleed
What my ears do when I listen to the nonsense that is this show.

Cleaving
What Tina is doing to the heterosexual paradigm.

Insight
Helena buys friendships because she’s insecure.

Preggers
Kit.

Worst Gift Ever
A ditty about cunnilingus sung by two horrendously unkempt lesbians. Even I would have left Carmen at the alter for that.

Lying
What Eileen Chaiken was doing when she said that the mysterious woman Jenny meets in this episode would make us forget about Marina.

Jenny
It’s cool that she’s channeling Priscilla Presley, laughing at herself and dissing Max, but could she please date someone with a better dental plan?

Hopeful
Now that Jennifer Beals has expelled that baby from her womb, perhaps next season we’ll get the rockin’ Bette back.

Preposterous
The plot of every episode this season.

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The L Word, episode 3:11 "Last Dance" - Airdate 3/19/06

Alice plans a memorial for Dana, Bette considers fighting for sole custody of Angelica, Max lands a job where Moira got turned down, Dylan tries to make amends, and Lara comes home. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Montage
Not only did the writers kill off the most relatable and likeable character, they presented us with a touching recap to show how much we lost. Very thoughtful.

Too Little Too Late
Dylan can't face being a lesbian but apparently has no problem facing the fact that she’s a blackmailer, a thief and a liar.

Lonely
Bette has suffered enough. It’s about time she started kicking ass and taking names.

Downer
Shane’s upset that people are trying to put a pink ribbon around the fact that Dana died alone. I’m pissed that Shane made the entire event about herself.

Basic Math
Alice + Dana + Lara – Dana = Alice + Lara.

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The L Word, episode 3:10 “Losing the Light" - Airdate 3/12/06

Helena gets her heart broken, Jenny visits Tim, Carmen settles the score with Shane, Tina plays house, Bette leaves the retreat, Dana leaves the world and Alice leaves me beside myself.

Rewrite
The bad news is: Dana is dead. The good news is: the writers let her go realistically without revealing a secret hetero marriage or dramatic suicide attempt. (Yes, I’m still bitter.)

Lies
Dylan told Helena that she never wanted to see her again, and Helena meekly signed the settlement agreement. Let’s hope that when Dylan comes back begging for forgiveness, Helena and Bette have already hooked up.

Silence is Golden
It’s a good thing Bette spent a few days preserving her voice at the silent retreat because when she gets home and sees that Tina’s created a nuclear family, she’s going to be screaming like a banshee.

It’s a Bitch
Payback that is. Carmen turned the tables on Shane and proved that although two can play the cheating game, nobody really wins.

Deluded
Jenny couldn’t wait to show Tim how healthy and normal she is now.

Amazing
Leisha Hailey. Period.

What the?
A snippet of conversation between The L Word writers on covering all demographics:

Writer #1: Gorgeous lesbians are overrated. Why don’t we kill one of them  off?  You know how female viewers love a good cry – especially at that time of the month...”

Writer #2: “Great idea! While we’re at it, let’s downplay the “I-am-woman-hear-me-roar stuff. We don’t want to emasculate men who tune in for the witty dialogue.”

Writer #1: “We should think about adding more straight men to the mix… you know, the suave kind who can make even lesbians want to fuck them…”

Writer #2:  “…Or the evil kind who videotape and blackmail lesbians!”

Writer #1:  “Ohhhh yeah! And let’s toss in a token gay boy for flavor. Do you think Max qualifies?”

Writer #2: “Hmmm, I’m not sure. But we did create a love interest for Kit who’s kind of faggy...”

Writer #1: “That’ll work.”

The L Word, episode 3:09 “Lead, Follow or Get Out of The Way" - Airdate 3/05/06

Dana and Alice walk the line, Carmen comes out to her family, Helena gets a bitter taste of karma, Jenny throws a benefit for Max, Bette struggles to find inner peace, and Tina struggles to be a human being. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Heartbreaking
The writers are still trying to stitch a wound with those chart scenarios, but I’ll forgive them if they keep depicting how much Dana and Alice still care about one another.

Questions
How did Helena become my new favorite character on the show, and why in the world didn’t she see this mess with Dylan coming from a mile away? Please refer to my recap a few weeks ago about those devious straight girls. I told you they were trouble.

Killing with Kindness
Tina claims that she doesn’t want Bette to be devastated over her for the next two years (as if), yet she keeps doing devastating things. After sleeping with Helena and watching her ruin Bette’s career, she went to work for her, dragged her into their circle of friends, and threw her in Bette’s face at every possible turn. If that’s not enough, she openly had cybersex with a stranger, divulged personal information about their problems to mutual acquaintances in Angelica’s play group, and screwed a man in the bedroom she was supposed to move out of.  Yeah, that sounds like the behavior of a caring person.

More Questions
Why would the writers think the viewing audience prefers to see a once-strong Bette crying over spilled breast milk because of Tina’s hetero revelation?  Somebody needs to call the carpenter, the NY fling or the senator ASAP. Let’s get real here.

Creepy
Jenny threw a prom benefit for a completely undeserving Max. I kept hoping for a bucket of pig’s blood to fall from the rafters, but no such luck.

Surprise
Carmen dropped the lesbo-bomb on her mother at a family party. It just goes to show that jealousy will trump responsibility every time.

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The L Word, episode 3:08 “Latecomer" - Airdate 2/26/06

Dana gets a new look, Shane irritates Carmen, Kit and Angus get closer, Bette goes on a retreat, Helena shows a softer side, Moira continues her transition to Max, and Alice continues to be fabulous. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Backpedaling
…is what the writers are doing to clean up the mess they’ve created. Thanks to the chart, we finally get a peek at Dana and Alice’s break up. I went through a break up like that once too. We stayed apart for a few months before realizing that chewing broken glass would be less painful. There’s hope for Dana and Alice yet.

Charitable Contributions
Again, the writers are working double-time on character development. Helena went from a selfish bitch (albeit a sexy one) who stole girlfriends and eradicated jobs, to a sweet (and still sexy) friend who charters planes, is vulnerable around love interests and is worried about the consequences of dating someone who is attached.

Retreat
Bette won’t find inner peace until she rids herself of the conniving, malicious, backstabbing Tina.

Victor/Victoria
I know it’s hard to believe, but Jenny is no longer the most irritating person on the show. The torch has officially been passed to Max.

Dreamer
Carmen is still making Shane pay for her infidelity, but she should be making her pay for those fucked up buzz cuts she keeps giving everyone.

Transitions
…is the idea the writers are hitting us over the head with. Tina is questioning her sexuality, Bette is moving into a calmer stage in her life, Helena is becoming touchingly sweet, Moira is turning into Max, Jenny is healing, Alice is realizing that love has no boundaries, Dana is facing her mortality, Shane is navigating a relationship and Kit is finding romance in her menopausal years. They’re transitioning. We get it already. The writers have improved, but they have not quite mastered the art of subtlety.

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The L Word, episode 3:07 “Lone Star" - Airdate 2/19/06

Dana pushes Lara away, Shane and Carmen get matching tattoos, Tina takes a step toward Josh and Jenny goes to New York. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Under a Thick Dome of White Jasmine
1996, L.A. Opera: Bette and Alice hit a high note of their own. I’m starting to dig that chart.

K.O.D
For a girl who was never into relationships, Shane’s up to her cummerbund in one with Carmen: family gatherings, monogamy, matching tattoos and cute little acronyms. Just give them a Subaru, a house in the burbs and a golden retriever and they’re set.

Alan Cumming
When is he going? I’ve had my fill and, apparently, so has he.

Double Standard
Cheating is only a dastardly deed if Bette’s the one doing it. Tina seems to be exempt.

Remedy
Helena is trying to ward off the straight girl disease but, damn, it’s persistent.

The Sum of Her Parts
Jenny’s book editor is concerned about her lack of character, strength, resolve, awareness and journey. She hit the nail on the head didn’t she?

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The L Word, episode 3:06 “Lifesize" - Airdate 2/12/06

Helena gets the girl, Dana gets bad news, Jenny gets a book deal; Moira gets a blow job and Bette, once again, gets the shaft. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

What A Feeling
A young Bette Porter looking stylish in her Flashdance attire added another name to the chart.

What An Animal
Monogamy may come naturally to nasty little pigeons, but not to Shane. She can’t say her womanizing won’t happen again, but at least she's willing to try. Touching.

Embraced
Alice fell into a lesbian Goth cult, but Dana’s bite is the one still stinging.

Fashion Disaster
Tina is trying to cure her preoccupation with men by dressing like one.

Hot and Cold
Yep, it’s those straight girls again. Helena got the girl, but my guess is she’ll also get the heartbreak.

Medical Power of Attorney
It’s important kids. Just look at what happened to Dana.

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The L Word, episode 3:05 "Lifeline" - Airdate 2/6/06

Dana gets her biopsy results, Alice dates a vampire, Bette and Tina face a cyber-catastrophe, Shane forgets that she has a girlfriend, Helena works on getting one, and Jenny encourages Moira’s transition to Max. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Chart
Since I was in the throws of a seizure from the theme song, I missed the point about how gay men got on to the lesbian chart.

Playing With Fire
Bette is achingly beautiful but Tina makes me want to take a handful of Tylenol. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: even when they’re having sex with other women, getting impregnated by quarterback sperm donors and playing house with beautiful lesbians, straight girls are still straight.

The Old Flame
Shane too, is inflicted with the straight girl syndrome. It took control of her mind and made her crave Malibu pineapple instead of the spicy enchilada she has at home.

Conflicted
Jenny’s a straight girl dating a man trapped in a woman’s body. 

There’s a Theme Here
Helena is up to her sensual shoulders in straight girl trouble. They call the shots, they get you worked up, they make the first move and then they cast you aside when their boyfriend comes home.

Vamp
Alice will date anyone; man, woman or monster.

The C Word
Dana has cancer. But at least she doesn't have a straight girl.

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The L Word, episode 3:04 "Light My Fire" - Airdate 1/29/06

Bette takes on Capitol Hill, Carmen spins for Russell Simmons, Shane parties at Wax, Dana wins an important tennis match, Moira considers transitioning to Max, Kit gets closer to the manny and Helena falls for a documentary filmmaker.   Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Divine Order
Did you know that Jesus hates sex? Apparently he prioritizes his distain in the order of men-on-men, woman-on-woman and premarital. Threesomes are ok though.

Wanton Distraction
Just when it looks as if Bette’s lost her strength, she gives another fiery speech and makes us all hot. Tina’s probably the only woman on the face of the earth who doesn’t want to sleep with her.

Wax
Shane is such a talented hairdresser. Did you see how she gave that buzz cut? Amazing.

Motor Mouth
Without her ability to discuss Dana, Alice’s creative juices have dried up like the Sahara.

Champ
Dana’s ego is completely out of hand. Maybe she needs a heath crisis to bring her back to reality and to make her treat people (ok, Alice) a little nicer.

Cinematic
Helena made a play for a cute documentary filmmaker and Tina encouraged it. This is exactly the type of lesbian bullshit that makes me insane. If I saw my ex hitting on someone else, I’d get diarrhea pains. Besides; 100K might help Helena get the girl, but if she’s straight it won’t help her keep her. If Tina were really a friend, she would have told her that.

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The L Word, episode 3:03 "Lobsters" - Airdate 1/22/06

Dana finds a lump, Alice charts new territory, Kit falls for the Manny, Bette looses her money – and her control, Helena hires Tina, Jenny brings Moira to an awkward dinner and Carmen and Shane get more than they bargain for. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Hallelujah
When lesbian nuns break their silence, they give new meaning to the phrase “Hail Mary full of Grace.”

Power Play
Bette lost her stipend because her art show was critical of the Bush administration. Note to Bette: The only bush you can trust is your own. Especially now when Tina’s throwing her bourgeois anxiety on top of your already profound anger and disappointment over loosing something that obviously meant so much to you. Oh yeah, and the bullshit about Tina working for Helena isn’t so copasetic either.

PETCO
Q: What is the difference between Carmen and Shane’s new roommate and new puppy? A: Not much. They’re both dirty, smelly and piss wherever they like.

Medicinal or Recreational?
Alice charts the cause and effects of psychotropic drugs on her radio show. Just say no kids, just say no.

BIRAD 4
Dana found a lump in her breast and gave me a lump in my throat.

Trapped
Like a pot of boiling lobsters, the girls held Moira down.  It’s unfortunate that they poked fun at her differences when Jenny offers so much more to laugh at.

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The L Word, episode 3:02 "Lost Weekend" - Airdate 1/15/06

Helena helps Alice clean up her life, Jenny totes her dysfunction cross-country, Bette and Tina search for a man — again, Shane dresses in drag and Carmen continues to shock and awe. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

Certifiable
Clearly Jenny’s therapy didn’t work because she’s still clutching that fistful of crazy.

Gal Pals
Helena continues to be a shoulder for Alice to cry on — and a fabulously attractive one at that. I never quite understood those incestuous lesbian friendships but hey, what the hell.

Repeat
Bette and Tina are man hunting again. Whether they’re searching for sperm, a daddy, a nanny or a computer pal, they’re always on the prowl.

Beauty and the Beast
Carmen is almost perfect. Her only flaw is her penchant for twelve-year-old boys.

Did We Miss Something?
I guess the writers answered my “did you learn anything over the hiatus” question with a resounding N-O. Not only are the episodes predictable, laughable and unimaginable, they are full of holes and leave gaping questions such as, A: When did Kit patch up her relationship with David? And why does Bette defend him when he is so obviously homophobic and bigoted? B: Why in the hell would Bette let Helena into her house after she ended her career and had an affair with her girlfriend? I’m all about forgiveness but let’s draw the line somewhere! C: When did Dana go from having lunch with Lara to having Lara for lunch? And D: Why is Jenny still breathing? Perhaps the writers will soon hit their stride, but with Alice’s vampire storyline on the horizon; my guess is that they won’t. I know I should just be happy that there is a show about lesbians on television at all — even if it is far-fetched and annoying. It IS there and that’s what really counts.

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The L Word, episode 3:01 "Labia Majora" - Airdate 1/08/06

Alice is stalking Dana who is back with Lara; Bette and Tina have become overbearing mothers; Jenny is recovering in the Midwest; Shane is acting fem to impress Carmen’s mother, Kit is menopausal and Helena thinks her destiny is to be with Alice. Log onto http://www.sho.com/site/lword/home.do for more details.

The 70’s
Whatever happened to plain old Tupperware parties?

Dude Looks Like A Lady
Not only is Shane in a syrupy relationship, she’ll do just about anything – including don a dress – to impress her girl’s family. Props to Carmen’s mama for calling Shane out on that haircut.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Dana should feel flattered by Alice’s attention. There’s no better way to prove your love than pathological craziness.

Role Models
Question: What do you get when two dysfunctional lesbians on the verge of a breakup have a child? Answer: Alice Jr.

Written in the Stars
Helena is beautiful, successful, wealthy, and now owns a movie studio. Why is she looking to the cards for advice on her next conquest? Surely there are million young starlets that she can take advantage of.

Cured
If therapy works, how come Jenny is back up to her old tricks hooking up with the first trick to come her way?

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